Castle Crashers Stole My Pants

from gamerzines.com

As some of you may know, there's a sale on. The big Steam Holiday Sale! (insert dramatic music here) Being the nerd that I am, I've been following it closely and voting twice each day so that I can get my holiday sale badge. Being broke like I am, I could only get Rocketbirds for my bf. I would like to think it's just me being all loving and caring, but I also wanted the achievements for buying and gifting a game. A few days later, the sale in full swing still, a conversation like this happened:

Him: Have you heard of Castle Crashers?

Me: Nope.

Him: I hear it's a good two-person co-op.

Me: I'll look it up.

(2 minutes later)

Me: Holy cr.ab! That's awesome! And the wee knights are so adorable! Look at their little funny hats!

Him: Would you like to give it a try?

Me: OH YES!

And so, on the n-th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me four little knights! We were all pumped up and ready to go when the game crashed. Ok. No matter. Try again.

The opening scene was that of our two knights partying middle-ages style in a tavern. Useful note here: Player 1 gets the cooler dance. If you're player 2, you get to dance like a dork. Don't be player 2. When all of a sudden a soldier comes flying in through the door, bloody and then dies. All our fellow knights rush out to see what is happening and of course, I, despite my dorky dancing, run out as well, looking for enemies to slay!

This is the part where I would like to say that it would be great if the cut-scenes could be skipped. After the game crashing about the fourth time, I was sick of looking at the big white rock being stolen from my (shivering and scared) king's throne by a tiny ninja-wizard. The game was first released on Xbox, then on PlayStation 3 and even at the start of the game, it tells you that you'd be better off using a controller, instead of a keyboard.

Once we make our way past the barbarian hoards, we saw what the true, horrific, most heinous problem was: The barbarians were kidnapping our beautiful princesses! The nerve! We, of course, give chase, hunting down the fiends who dare lay their grubby hands on these precious examples of (rather big-eyed) perfection. Over the castle walls, through fields of muck and destruction we put down every barbarian who dares cross paths with us. Me, I get shot in the face by an arrow about every 5 steps, but where I lack in skill and coordination, I make up for with zeal. Fighting a canon goat (I swear, I'm not high, there is a canon goat), the barbarian lair is reached, with our princesses tied to poles and displayed by the arena where we face the final boss of this section. 

And what a boss he is! Masked, gigantic and carrying a gigantic shield. I died! I don't mean I died of fright. I meant my little orange knight got owned by the hulking fur-ball many a time and had to be resuscitated by my bf's green knight. That shows real devotion, ladies and gentlemen: Giving CPR to your fallen comrade in arms, while a horned behemoth is trying to turn you into a waffle. Not only that, but he also chugs some very flammable liquid and gives the deadliest burp of all times, sending himself and you and the other attacking barbarians flying across the arena. 

Though we didn't mean to, we both ended up dying. I was too slow delivering CPR and received a death blow from The Waffler up there. This made the game save our progress. Which was great, really. You know why? Because we had fought this boss three times before, having to go through all his minions again and again and again because right when the bastard is about to kick the proverbial bucket, the game would crash and we would lose any progress. But it doesn't crash like a normal game. Oh no. This one is so much more evil than that: It says your session is cancelled! It doesn't die completely, BSOD, block your computer, freeze your screen. No, it continues running, but all your progress goes up in smoke.

This was just a description and my impressions of the first mission. I loved the game, despite it's infuriating crashes, smashing all manner of buttons, aiming for any sort of effect. It's great fun to play with the option to talk to your team mate too, because it's a much faster way to let them know to "GO ON WITHOUT ME! SAVE THE PRINCESS!!!" So if you're looking for something to giggle at and enjoy in a carefree and very silly manner, then by all means get this game!